"In all the rancor, divisiveness and political insanity have we lost our sense of humor?"
1. Madison Fears He Made Constitution’s Impeachment Clause Too Hard for Idiots to Grasp
“If I had to write the impeachment part all over again, I’d really dumb it down,” James Madison said.
February 14, 2021
In his first-ever interview from beyond the grave, Madison said that, when he drafted the Constitution, he thought that he had made the section on impeachment “so clear that even a total numbskull
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2. Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.
The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.
“These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,” Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. “And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.”
More worryingly, Logsdon said, “As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.”
While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. “The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,” Logsdon said.
While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. “Our research is very preliminary, but it’s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,” he said.
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3. Ivanka Trump Applies for Job as Biden’s Daughter
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump’s reëlection prospects, Ivanka Trump has applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter.
Trump’s job application, which was leaked to the press on Saturday, included her promise to make Biden’s Presidency “even more successful” than her father’s.
“As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been, I believe Ivanka Biden will be even more awesome,” she wrote.
Trump appeared to have difficulty finding tangible achievements to include on her application, other than “Did not write a tell-all book.”
Finally, she ended her application with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden’s daughter: “You don’t have to take Jared.”
4. Queen Offers to Restore British Rule Over United States
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.
Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
"This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn't end well," she said.
The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person "very occasionally."
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5.
Trump Excitedly Accepts Democrats’ Offer to Star in New TV Show
The Onion is an American satirical digital media company and newspaper organization that publishes articles on international, national, and local news.
The company is based in Chicago but originated as a weekly print publication on August 29, 1988 in Madison, Wisconsin by students.
6. Charles Barkley Blasts Today’s Fragile NBA Players Who Can’t Just Play Through Covid Like He Did
7.
Happy Birthday Text To Mom Spirals Into Whole Conversation
HALLSVILLE, TX—As he aimed his Winchester rifle at the stack of three large snowballs in his front yard, Texas man Bob Brookson was overheard notifying a snowman Tuesday that it was trespassing on private property and needed to go back to wherever it had come from.
“Now, listen here, boy, I don’t want no trouble, so you best go on and git before I put a .38-caliber hole in that big smiley head of yours,” said Brookson, cocking the gun while he explained to the frozen figure that its kind was not welcome around there and that he would be well within his rights should he choose to neutralize the threat to his home.
“You come one step closer, and you’re done for, you hear me? Huh? Say, you dumb or sum’n, boy? I don’t appreciate you starin’ at me, neither, you stonyeyed sonofabitch.”
After it failed to respond to several warning shots, Brookson reportedly noticed the snowman was wearing his 7-year-old daughter’s scarf and immediately fired multiple rounds into the head and chest of the “thievin’ coward.”
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About
The first volume of the Lampoon appeared in February, 1876. Written
by seven undergraduates and modeled on Punch, the British humor magazine,
the debut issue took the Harvard campus by storm. “Our success was immediate,”
wrote founder John Tyler Wheelwright. “Our first edition of twelve hundred
was sold at once.” United States President Rutherford B. Hayes was advised
not to read the magazine, as he would be too much “in stitches” to run the government.
The early issues of the Lampoon set the pattern for its success: strong
emphasis on illustrations, written satire in a variety of formats, and the wild
adventures of Jester, the magazine’s natural mascot. Before the turn of the
century, Lampoon writers penned several jokes that have become standards
in the lexicon of comedy, including “‘Have you taken a bath?’
‘No, is one missing?'” and “Barber – Have a hair cut, sir? Gentleman – Thank you,
thought of having several of them cut.”
10. Operation Enduring Freedom
George Bush: Good afternoon. On my orders the United States military has begun coordinated attacks against Al Qaeda terrorist training camps and the dune buggy production factories of the Taliban regime in Afghanistan.
Dick Cheney: Sir, talk about the oil
George Bush: And I promise you that we will soon own all the dune buggies that Osama has kept from us.
Dick Cheney: Sir, the oil….
George Bush: We need their oil to run our dune buggies
American People: *cheering*
